There comes a time in life when you learn more than you ever wanted to know and wish you could purge some of that knowledge from your brain.

I had one of those experiences recently, while performing maintenance and evaluations on this website.  Most of this was the sort of stuff that many of us can accomplish but only Geeks admit to actually doing.  It was all fairly routine and quite humdrum until I checked the Google Analytics Dashboard.  I was curious as to what sort of folks came to read my rantings and on the surface, it all seemed pretty normal.

Google Analytics
I glanced over charts showing the number of visitors, which days were more popular than others, and which pages held the greater appeal.  It was all pretty much as I expected until I checked the search strings.

For those unfamiliar with the term, a search string is the line of text that someone puts into the Google Search Engine in order to find your site.  Given the wide berth of topics I’ve covered since launching, I expected a slew of search terms.  Instead, the majority focused on three key words:

“Boobs”, “Nipples”, and “Gay”.


How comforting.

Boobs Nipples and Gay
Boobs, Nipples, and Gay.  That was my claim to fame?

More disturbing, these visitors were overwhelmingly looking for “Gay Nipples” or “Gay Boobs” and almost all of them were in Iran.

I read this and then quickly turned off the monitor, hopeful that by blanking the screen I could also blank out my memory.

It worked just as well as all my other impulsive ideas.  Rather than disappearing, the words simply rattled around my head, like three toddlers who have just woken, all refreshed, from their afternoon nap.

I stared at the dark grey screen that Sony Computers formerly assured me was “the blackest of blacks” and regained my composure.  As if I were throwing the switch to my own electric chair, I activated the screen once again.  It distracted me from the knowledge that my super black computer display was in fact only an off-shade of grey and forced me to face my ordeal.

Not only were the Iranians striving to wipe out all I care about with atomic weapons, some of them also hoped to “Twist my Gay Nipples”!

At least that’s the interpretation I gained from the very popular Iranian search phrase “Gay Nipple Twist”.

Further, many in Tehran were also seeking “Gay Boobs”, which made me wonder at my own concept of women’s breasts.  Throughout the years, I’ve regarded various women’s chests as “flat” or “full”, and even “nice” when the anatomy warranted it, but the idea of “Gay Boobs” was entirely new to me.

Just what could possibly make a pair of boobs gay?

And, if a boob could indeed be gay, did it naturally follow that both of them had to be that way?  What if only one had succumbed to underlying homosexual tendencies while the other remained entirely straight?  It seemed a problem well beyond what any civil rights march might ever hope to accomplish.

Then it struck me that I was being entirely Westernized in my interpretation.  Nowhere in the Iranian search phrases was the word “Women” actually used.  I also couldn’t find any of the more derogatory terms that one might substitute to indicate a female.  For all I knew, my site was regularly visited by denizens of Iran  who were actually hoping to find something related to “Gay Man Boobs”, which frankly left me with an icky feeling once I realized that somewhere in the shadow of a twin-spired mosque, a group of Shi’a men might be huddled over the glow of a laptop, waiting for an Internet page to load in the hopes that one of my profile pictures might show a glimpse of one of my man boobs.

I tried to assure myself that wasn’t the case.  It was equally possible that a bunch of Islamists were simply reaching out from their oppressed society to gawk at a hot American chick.  Then I thought of all the Iraqi and Afghan men I’d seen over the years, who all happily danced with each other while they disregarded their own women as inconvenient rubbish.

So, with my cultural bias running strong, I fired up the settings controlling the website and blocked all connections from Iran.  I’m sure by doing this, I likely destroyed the hopes of some lonely scholar who simply wanted to learn more about the West, as without my site he’s only got another 650 million to choose from, but it was a risk I was willing to take.  I knew my action could well spark an intercontinental war but that was a small concern compared to the chuckle I got thinking about some Jihadist hitting the refresh key over and over because his connection to a “Gay Nipple Twist” search had suddenly been severed.

With the block in place, I checked the search terms again the following morning.

“Linda Harrison” was the most popular search, gaining a bit over “Planet of the Apes”, “Terminator Robots”, and “Hello Kitty”.  I still got a few searches with the word “Gay” but at least they weren’t from someone looking for “Gay Apes” or “Gay Robots” so I felt somewhat reassured.

Besides, anyone who still fondly searches out for Linda Harrison can’t be at all bad in my book so for those folks, I provide the following:

NAME:  Linda Melson Harrison

BORN: 26 July 1945

DESCRIPTION:  Known for her role as “Nova”  in the film “Planet of the Apes”.  She made a repeat appearance in the sequel “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”. 

In 1965, she was the Miss Maryland contestant in the Miss America contest, where she scored First Runner Up.  Her stunning beauty gained the attention of senior executives at 20th Century Fox which led to her casting in the 1968 classic film. 

She was also the first actress to play the character of Wonder Woman, a role later revised more successfully by the sexy and talented Lynda Carter.

Lovely Linda Harrison Sitting on a Boulder

Take that Iran!

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