Some claim that movies are a reflection of society but I’ve found that’s only true if you’re a 28-year old, hot blonde who is also the master of a revolutionary new developmental science in sub-atomic physics who also has amazing legs and a stylish scar you got as a child in a clash with a killer robot.

Super Hot Female Scientist with Big Boobs

Typical Female Scientist (Who Could Also Be a Stripper)

Admittedly, in my youth, I thought this was pretty much how all adult women were, or at least the ones I planned to associate with, so that sort of image wasn’t really a problem.  I also thought that you could order a drink, “shaken and not stirred”, flash a smile, and have have sex with four sultry ladies whom all felt you were doing them a favor.  As I grew older, I found this system did indeed work on several women individually, but never when applied in multiples of four.

As it turned out, women are a lot more complex in real life than they are in the cinema and have important quirks that never survive the editing of movie scripts.  Most expect you to waste at least a few minutes in conversation before they happily drop their clothes in a bundle on the floor.  This sort of challenge never bothered James Bond but it certainly plagued me and I’m certain, everyone else as well.

If you’re doubtful, I offer you this test.  See if you can sleep with a girl, — any girl, within ten minutes of first meeting her.  You’ll find that to have any chance of success, you’ll either have to to talk to her long enough to learn her name or simply hand her money, in which case her name will be Trixie, Bianca, or Suzette.

If you’re a chick reading this, understand that the reciprocal test doesn’t count as you can just flash a smile, unbutton your blouse, and give the guy that “bedroom eyes look” and its showtime.

Men are weak that way.

Women are also weak but they have standards, — except for those who are home-wrecking tramps, which isn’t really a problem for most guys unless the tramp is your mother, daughter, or sister.  Even that can vary in some cases as your tramp sister may well have other tramp friends that you’ll probably enjoy being around, unless you’re another chick, in which case they’ll all ruin your reputation.

Yet, for the rest of us, the allure of films rarely survives the most basic analysis but despite that well known reality, they still frame how we view the world and guide us in how we interact with each other.  I used to find this concept troublesome but I’ve since learned to appreciate it.  If that thinking sounds flawed, keep in mind that I’ll survive the upcoming aftermath as I’m one of the few citizens who understands the relationship between zombies and gun control.

If you’ve ever seen “Dawn of the Dead”, you know that at any given time, the great zombie hordes may well start lumbering through the street, eating the brains of the living and dropping their body parts wherever they please.  This used to keep me up at night until I realized that the folks with guns and lots of bullets never had to worry about the zombies.  They just shot them and reminded the dead that they were, — well,  — dead.

I understand that some might feel that I’ve garnered the wrong message from this film as the underlying warning should be interpreted as “Be wary of dumb, useless blondes who don’t put out!” but I remind those skeptics of the plight of Avatar the Great.

Avatar the Great from the 1970s film Wizards

Avatar the Great and the Faerie Queen Elinore

Avatar, as a rare, rare few of you may recall, is the star of an obscure 1970s cartoon film named “Wizards”.  He’s the good magician in a land of faeries whose sidekick is a large-breasted, tramp fairy named Elinore, proving that not all tramps are bad.  Avatar’s brother, Blackwolf, a gangly skeletal creature with a lust for Hitler, has lots and lots of guns.  Avatar’s followers only have love and as a result, they get slaughtered by the thousands.  In the end, Avatar confronts Blackwolf in a classic contest of spell-caster vs. spell-caster, which he settles by pulling out a pistol and shooting his brother through the chest.

Since there aren’t any blondes in this film, the underlying moral is pretty clear.  In any contest between guns and love, the dude with the Smith and Wesson will win every time.

This message is further confirmed in “Jaws”, a film in which the kind-hearted police chief, Martin Brody, uses a high-powered rifle to blow up a giant man-eating shark with a scuba tank in its mouth.  When it really matters, he doesn’t use love, or life jackets, or fishing hooks, but a gun.  This is fortunate as otherwise, he’d have joined Robert Shaw as the shark’s latest meal and the beach on Amity Island would have remained closed until 2018.

Ironically enough, 2018 is the year in which we see a world without guns, as depicted in the film “Rollerball”.  In fact, this society lacks all the things that Leftists usually whine about.  It shows every Democrat’s ideal existence, where Obamacare and media propaganda rule the day, political dissension has been completely silenced, and everyone’s comfort has been standardized.  True equality has finally been achieved and hot dogs and hot dog buns are finally sold in the same amount.  The military has been disbanded and all International conflicts are settled in the sport’s arena.

James Caan as Jonathan

Jonathan in the 1975 Film “Rollerball

James Caan plays Jonathan, the only remaining Libertarian, who questions whether its best for society to allow the government to literally control every aspect of one’s life.  His friends remind him that the government cares for all his needs and suggests that he’s just one man, with limited access to the facts, and shouldn’t be second guessing his leaders.

Jonathan responds to this criticism with one of the most insightful lines in movie history by saying “They give us enough to keep us content but never enough so we can really be happy”.

Because Jonathan has dared independent thought, the government leaders decide to kill him.  He survives, of course, but not before evading a lot of fire and death.  There’s a lot of uncomfortable truths in this film but the saddest element is that 1975 was the last time anyone in Hollywood thought Communist government rule was a bad thing.

That’s because everyone in Tensiletown has forgotten Socrates’ declaration that “Democracy must be more than two wolves and a sheep voting what to have for dinner”, which, of course, means that they’ve also forgotten that Socrates made an important return in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.

Bill and Ted in their Time Traveling Phone Booth

Bill and Time Travel Through Time

Bill and Ted had a basic philosophy that they should always strive to do what made them happy, even if they had to force the entire space-time continuum to conform to their will.  They did precisely that, which is truly an impressive accomplishment in anyone’s book, unless of course, your book is the Necronomicon.

The Necronomicon was the driving force behind the “Army of Darkness”, a roving band from Hell even more hateful than a bunch of Liberals who have just been informed that FOX News is the world’s most respected news organization and Sarah Palin will be the next president.  They are eventually defeated by Bruce Campbell who dispatches the last of them, a rather frightful demonness, with a shotgun.

If you missed that, I’ll repeat it again, as its important.  Bruce uses a shotgun, — not love, — not foreign aid or politically correct dialog, but a 12-guage!

In fact, it’s similar in basic design to the sawed-off weapon used by Mad Max in the film of the same name.  As you may remember, Max didn’t start off as “mad” but became that way after his wife and child were run down by a motorcycle gang.  Rather than kick the hell out of them, as Billy Jack did under similar circumstances, Max opted to use the same sort of car that folks like Al Gore and Nancy Pelosi have regularly tried to outlaw, — a V-8 interceptor with a super blower.

Admittedly, I’m not a motorhead and I truly have no idea what the super-blower does.  All I know is that its pretty damn cool!  Every time Max kicked it on, I knew that someone on the Australian highway was about to get an ass-whoppin’.

Mad Max in V-8 Interceptor (Close-up)

Mad Max

Yet, despite having a car second only to the original Batmobile, Max inflicts an unusual revenge on the last of his opponents.  He ankle-cuffs him to a burning wreck and throws down a hacksaw, explaining that the handcuffs are “high-tempered steel”.  The punk in question will need ten minutes to cut through them, by which time most of his flesh should be burned away by the fire.  By contrast, the little toad could cut through his own ankle in about five minutes.  Thus, we learn that even though Max is “mad”, he’s still offering his opponent a chance to escape.

Six minutes later, the vehicle explodes.

I’ve yet to meet the viewer who would have taken Max up on his offer.

I know I wouldn’t have.

Tags: , , ,